free jet
Let’s clarify the intentions of that last post, since they were apparently muddled.
On Bluesky, a smattering of Internet friends and acquaintances maybe tried to reassure me that it was “okay” that I’d taken a free thermos, or that my consternation was “understandable,” when, in actuality, I am not seriously condoning accepting videogame swag. Not every compromise is a positive one: This belief can be true and I can believe my professional conduct was valid that one time, since I was just writing a preview, etc etc. Whatever. I take things way too seriously.
My point is, these well-meaning comments of support stressed me out because the post was about relinquishing the judgments of others—which includes their justifications and rationalizations, although I’m excusing my friend Matthew here, as he graciously articulated my own belief that the thermos is a beautiful and practical object that does not obviously promote a game, i.e. the object itself is exceptional—while also releasing an attachment to an idealized idea of myself that ultimately does more harm than good.
Also, the last post was extremely bad timing. I mean, I wrote and posted it the day before the U.S. president accepted a free jet from a major foreign power. Just wow.
Rather than trying to convince myself that a jet is any different from a thermos—because I don’t exactly believe that—I instead thought about this post at The Cut about “unethical amnesia.” I first read it a couple months ago; the realization that “[e]vidently, it’s natural to discard evidence that you’re not an ethically pure person” had yanked the existential rug out from under me.
Learning about this phenomenon was the beginning of forgiving myself: for cheating in third-grade math class on an ungraded multiplication practice quiz; for telling a joke at a party in 2005 that made someone leave the room crying; for failing to mail out packages at my old job. I remember my failings and trip-ups in intricate detail. For God’s sake, I have ruminated on my thermos for 19 months now.
A hyperfocus on how you’ve done wrong in your life—to preserve your own fear that you might be a ‘bad’ person—is just as damaging and illogical as having full-on amnesia in order to preserve your own belief in yourself as a ‘good’ person. So the morally feckless get to go right on accepting free jets, while people who strive for a moral ideal might end up paralyzed by their own fear, unable to act. What is that expression? “Don’t let ‘perfect’ be the enemy of ‘good’”?
Okay, originally this was going to be the preface to a different post, but now it looks more like a standalone thing. I guess I could’ve written all this the first time. Oh well! The president’s free jet wasn’t in the news yet.