thoughts and prayers
I told my dietitian I couldn't meet today because I just don't feel like it. "I have nothing to tell you," I said, "except I'm eating protein bars and Wendy's." Okay, she said, that's how reality can look sometimes. "Go get some rest," she said, and I did.
But when I woke up the world was no different. I am so scared for you, for us, for your children and your children's children. You take my meaning. But what if I weren't scared at all? And why are we so committed to writing sad endings for ourselves, when the world could be beautiful instead? I'm so sick. I am so sick of people telling me my own story and about how sick I am. I think I will start blogging you the truth instead.
First off, I am a very happy person. First off, I persevere. I learned to read from Wonder Woman—from the 1980s comic books, from Diana herself and her little golden lasso of Truth—and my first love was Masters of the Universe. He-Man, She-Ra, Skeletor, Man-at-Arms. Who have I been praying to all this time? Who do you pray to, anyway? Who is our God, and where is He anyway?
I have read the Psalms for comfort. Then I read Proverbs, Kings, and the book of Daniel. The Bible is a beautiful book; it is entirely about overcoming your oppressors. My husband suggested I read Susannah, so I read Susannah. And I am, frankly, over it. I've taken a look, I've given it my attention, but apocalyptic literature is simply not for me. We have one life and one reality and, if I am reading the literature correctly, this is all a trick. I don't buy this story. Fuck this.
So I am writing a new story. We are fine. We prevail. I buy my own home and I live out my days remembering you and how we were. I have an electric kettle and a cat, and my realtor found me this place, because he intrinsically and intuitively understood my budget and what I wanted. And we are building a website, we are writing a book, and I am writing my own book about my life but I will be presenting it as fiction, billing it as a horror story, because no one would ever believe the truth. And I'll think a little bit about revenge for my loved ones and what that might look like—not too hard, but I'll contemplate it and write it down, and I think that will be quite enough.
The Bible does say "where two or more are gathered," so dream a little dream with me. Let's start making promises to one another. And please understand me fully: I'd never break a promise on purpose. I'm not like my dad at all.