too many hats
I was comparing and contrasting using the calendar application Fantastical versus a Hobonichi A6 planner. With Fantastical, I've been juggling multiple GCal calendars, older iCal calendars, plus calendars I'd previously subscribed to, along with calendars I've downloaded, as well as a synchronized task list.
It had become an unwieldy mountain of information and, in all honesty, I can't afford Fantastical's subscription model anymore ("When it's time to renew, I'm just gonna let it lapse," I sighed). So I've switched to full-time pen and paper: "As long as the planner never leaves my desk, and as long as I never leave my desk, it works for me.
"I don't know, something finally clicked. It's the only habit that has ever stuck—after years of trying and failing to use a physical planner. Now I write a to-do list almost every night before bed. Like planning your wardrobe for the next day, except it's just tasks."
My friend said something about forming habits—about how she cycles between phases of good habits and no habits whatsoever. "I was just talking to a friend about this," I said to her, "and I'll tell you exactly what I told them: I think it's normal to have seasons of productivity and seasons of rest, and there is no reason to pathologize that."
"Well that's reassuring to hear," my friend said. LOL. But what is the solution?
I was pensive. "I do know that if your cup is empty, if you are exhausted because you're constantly pouring yourself out elsewhere, and there is no one pouring back into you at the same rate, then it's going to be hard to have the energy just to get out of bed," I said. "I don't know what the answer is."
I regretted that last sentence as soon as I'd said it. There is a solve. It's just extremely difficult to do. Hmm.
"Well..." I said. "Okay," I said. "Recently I was shouting at God. And I shouted, 'So... let me get this straight. I'm supposed to be my own spouse, my own best friend, my own sister and brother, my own mother, my own father? A little bit fuck You!'"
The other three started laughing. I was relieved, and I laughed, too. "It's just so many hats to wear! Instead of looking outside ourselves, we're supposed to be able to find everything within. I'm doing okay! I'm a good mom to myself most days. But some mornings I'm like, 'you're gonna have to fend for yourself, kid—mama's in bed today.'" We all laughed again.
"Yeah," someone said.